I live with four other young women, who like to make a LOT of noise. They have dance parties in the kitchen while they clean. They loudly yell your name when you walk into the room. Karaoke is a common pastime. And their love languages, almost universally, are quality time. Essentially, that means they feel loved when you spend time with them, talk to them often, take them places, and do anything else that feels refreshing to an extrovert but draining to an introvert. And I’m trying to keep up with four of them.

So, I had to learn how to help them feel loved without becoming depleted of all my energy. And I had to find ways to interact with them that keeps me from sounding condescending or like I don’t care or feel as deeply as they do. Because we have very different temperaments, but neither is better than the other. Both of our types of personalities are crucial to the functioning of the world and the church.

As it says in Romans 12:4-6a,  “For just as each of us has one body with many members, and these members do not all have the same function, so in Christ we, though many, form one body, and each member belongs to all the others. We have different gifts.” Paul suggests that instead of comparing our differences, we should see each other as equal in faith, which makes differences seem unimportant. And that clears the way for celebrating God-given diversity of people within the church (The New Bible Commentary). We can even apply this principle to relationships with others who aren’t Christians. They may not have faith, but they are equally loved by God. And that should pave the way for mutual understanding.

The first thing I had to get over was expecting the other girls to function like me, or to assume they automatically knew how I would feel about something. Open and clear communication, along with practicing strong listening, is crucial, because a hand and a foot simply don’t function the same way.

 When they ask me to come country dancing with them on a weeknight, they are expressing love, not trying to tire me out. And when I eat breakfast in the basement instead of in the central kitchen, it is because I am recharging to spend the day with them, not because I am avoiding them or upset with them in any way. We have stopped a lot of mutual hurt because we are honest and frequently use the phrase “I love you, but I would feel _____.” If I tried to function the way that they do and avoided telling them no in a misguided attempt to spare their feelings, I would be depleted often, making me a poor friend and often ruining their good time.

 Secondly, I had to learn the art of compromise. Ephesians 4:2-3, “Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace.” I definitely would not say that I am completely humble or that I bear with them all the time, but I am getting better every day. How does someone bear with someone else? The literal meaning is to “bear up under,” and it is translated in other parts of the Bible as “accept” or to “endure” (Word Studies in the New Testament). So, we are to bear with someone by accepting them as they are and making allowances for the inconvenient parts of the relationship.

When my extroverted sister tells me that she will have a bad evening if she doesn’t have several people to spend it with, I can set aside my desire for solitude to help her emotionally. And when I tell her that I’ve been talking to people all day and have a desperate need for silence, she can turn off the music and spend time with one of our other roommates instead. I usually extend myself if I am the only person who can meet the need, or if I have energy to give, or if time to recover later. In situations that do not fall under those categories, setting boundaries and sharing honestly about personal limits will keep the bond of peace a lot easier, and it will make relationships significantly more sustainable.

I love my loud roommates, and I wouldn’t have it any other way.